I think we need to polish up our ride reports if other forums are anything to go by. Some suggestions:
Always start with a mishap; arrive late, forget your shoes. This helps create the idea that you're only semi-serious about the ride.
Get the excuses in early; chesty cough works well, viral infection is better.
Make it clear that you weren't in a group. If you wheel sucked a mate the whole way, say you rode as a team.
Finish with an unfeasably fast time but don't mention which route you rode. Leave people to assume that you did the longest.
Point out that you only rode it to "get in the miles" for the Etape or the Marmotte. Never admit that it was a target event.
If we follow these rules we should move our performances to a new level.