I only have a platypus
How does that work, do you just sook the fur, or do you have to wring it out?
I too found the South African Professor's reaction when asked about 'diet' or 'light' sports drinks hilarious.
I seem to recall it was the British Athletics squad that were used in advertising Lucozade light, or whatever it was called, when it first came out. I struggled to comprehend what a low-calorie energy drink could achieve.
For a long cycle I will have 1 bottle of water and 1 with a fizzy tablet isotonic thing in it - I prefer the tablets to the powder as it's less mess and easier to get the dose correct and easier to carry some spare tablets with you than a bucket of powder and the measuring spoon! I tried the NUUN green tea flavoured ones and they are truly awful, taste like melted plastic.
I love bananas, but can't carry enough of them to be sole source of food. Jelly babies are good and cheap (compare their composition with those of a gel and they are almost identical). Squishy foods like jelly, marzipan, fig rolls, jelly babies etc. are great because you can eat them easily on the hoof, just grabbing a handful and shoving it in your mouth without too much need to chew and without any powdery bits to choke on.
I've almost come off the bike before choking on one of those "sports bars" they sell in bike shops that have oats cut into the mix. I tried some date-based bars recently which were really good, and of a consistency that was chewy enough to be good on the go. Things in packets (or individually wrapped) are good to help you work out how much you have been eating and to set portion size.